I'm not as much of a feminist as I thought!
This is the story of a 32year old who has spent her adult life claiming to be a proud feminist, only to realise the week of her 32nd birthday that she’s actually harbouring unconscious internalised misogynistic thoughts.
During conversations with some friends regarding an acquaintances’ new luxury purchase I realised my first thought upon hearing of this purchase was ‘I guess her husband earns a lot of money’.
“SLAP YOUR WRISTS JADE!! How dare you say that.”
If I had of heard someone else say that I would have put them in their place quicker than they had the opportunity to consider which way is up.
Why does her husband need to earn the money, the woman can support herself and buy whatever she damn well likes!
When I recognised this thought within myself I instantly felt a tonne of shame. I’m the person who preaches for equality. I’m the person wearing the slogan t-shirts. I’m the person who has the argument with people who believe that the word ‘feminist’ has a negative connotation. Which by the way, while we’re here, if you look up the definition ‘feminist’ simply means you believe in equality. (You see, I can’t even get through a full paragraph in an article without defending the title, and here I am assuming she didn’t actually pay for it herself).
This realisation was closely followed by a conversation the next day about the top CEO’s in ASX listed companies and I realised again my first thought was of all of them being men. Although unfortunately the reality of the situation is that a high percentage of them actually are men, that’s not the point. The point is my first thought was to assume a CEO must be a male.
To say I was disappointed in myself is an understatement.
This reality has shaken me a lot. How, after all that I consciously believe to be true, can I still unconsciously be experiencing this programming. To the point it’s actually taken me over a week to determine how to actually process this information.
The process resulted in an hour long walk recording a voice memo to myself of all the thoughts I’ve got about the realisation. Side note: very therapeutic - verbalising our thoughts allows for the brain to process the information quicker. It has been a certain reminder that unconscious programming runs deep. It takes active awareness and self actualisation to recognise what is going on below the bonnet of our minds.
Also, ‘how can someone who claims to so firmly support the equality train not notice these thoughts until now’ you ask, honestly I’ve asked myself the same question. If I’m being vulnerable I may as well go all out and bare everything - I don’t think I was ready to realise it. I don’t think I was ready to accept that I am capable of thinking those thoughts. That level of self realisation isn’t easy. To truly accept the shadow parts of ourselves takes a high level of genuine self love and I believe only now after the many years worth of work I’ve done am I able to recognise that.
Unconscious cultural and societal beliefs are taught to us from the moment we enter this world. This is literally 30+ years of conditioning to see the world in a particular way. How can I blame myself for that? It’s constant learning from school, from friends, family, from work places, the media. It’s the patriarchy that this culture is still unfortunately based upon.
Internalised misogyny is a huge concern of mine, and I personally believe something that we all need to be actively aware of.
To create true equality, we need to be able to straight up consider that all success is available to men and women. I also believe that my personal obsession with this topic is my higher self attempting to shine a light on what was going on in my sub conscious. A nudge from me, to me, asking to focus more on this, to investigate this topic further and learn more about myself while doing so.
After a week of analysis, I’ve reminded myself of what I constantly share with my clients - ‘forgive yourself for the thought, say ‘I love you’ and be proud of yourself for your willingness to grow from the lesson’. That is the lesson from this situation. To genuinely practise what I preach.
Forgive myself for succumbing to the conditioning of culture around me, remind myself that I'm still worthy of love and still have love for myself, and then recognise that this is an opportunity to grow. I am expanding my awareness through this lesson.
For me, that is a lesson worth sharing. That is worth writing about. To encourage you to feel the same about yourself. Give yourself grace and courage to show up as the highest version of yourself and learn from your shadow.
Sending love,
Jade x
